Humor Information

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians


  • "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
    -- George Burns

  • "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
    -- George Burns

  • "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
    -- George Burns

  • "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
    -- George Burns

  • "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
    -- George Burns

  • "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
    Bill Cosby

  • ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
    Bill Cosby

  • "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
    -- Steven Wright

  • "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
    -- Steven Wright

    Resource Box - Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
    - A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp


    MORE RESOURCES:

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    Canada.com

    Humor, heart drive Clint Eastwood's 'Gran Torino'
    The Times-Picayune - NOLA.com, LA - 11 hours ago
    Similarly, the shock factor behind the film's humor threatens to become repetitive, and the script dabbles in predictability. None of that detracts greatly ...
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    Gran Torino Houston Chronicle
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    Play by Play - The Oregonian - OregonLive.com
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    Washington Post

    Review: 'Bride Wars' has wicked spirit, little humor
    San Jose Mercury News,  USA - Jan 7, 2009
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    Video: Kate Hudson Shines CBS
    'Bride Wars': A date movie that will live in infamy USA Today
    'Bride Wars': What A Girl Wants, By Kurt Loder MTV.com
    Deseret News - Kansas City Star
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    Access Hollywood

    Anne Hathaway On Her Ex & Finding Her Sense Of Humor
    Access Hollywood - Jan 8, 2009
    “2008 was the year I learned to have a sense of humor about everything,” she added. Ellen told Anne she wanted to fix her up – and the actress said ...


    Fresh News

    Bruno to Test Audience Humor With Black Jesus
    ReelzChannel.com, CA - 3 hours ago
    According to The Sun, religious members of US test audiences didn't see the humor in having one of the characters in the film be a black model called Jesus ...
    Audiences Fear Bruno's Black Jesus Cinema Blend
    all 57 news articles


    A sense of humor enlivens an ancient art
    Amherst Bulletin, MA - 5 hours ago
    "I try to impart a little humor in my work," he said. His cabinet "Urban Theme: Life is a Rat Race" is adorned with dozens of small animals, obviously rats. ...


    Long in the Tooth: Surviving Chronic Illness With a Sense of Humor
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    Ruston Daily Leader

    Consultant intertwines humor, parenting tips
    Ruston Daily Leader, la - 6 hours ago
    While teachers were helping children in a back room with their homework, local parents listened to Pierson’s humor-filled tips on effective parenting and ...


    A Little Humor with Leeuna
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    By Leeuna Foster Please raise your hand if you read the owners manual which is included with each small appliance that you purchase? Oh come on now, ...

    Humor - Google News

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